Corporate Posturing for the home
Boundless Sarcasm!
Fitter. Happier. Less Productive.
Stay Current
Links to Other Kingdoms
Let's Get Naked!
Peasants
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” by the Rolling Stones. This song says it all.
Olympic Math, Explained
Behind ze Music
- Jon: Remember when Milli Vanilli came out with that new album?
- Harper: What? When did they come out with a new album?
- Jon: Oh. Like… Years ago. After they were blackballed from the music industry for being frauds.
- Harper: Get out!
- Mike: No, it’s true. They did.
- Harper: You don’t say…
- Jon: They put out a whole album, but with their voices.
- Harper: What did they sound like?
- Jon: Extremely German, if I recall.
- Mike: Way German…
- Harper: And it was all new stuff?
- Jon: No. I think it was mostly their old hits, but with them actually singing… and also fused with a heavy German accent. Like… “Blame it on ze rain!”
- Mike: “Girl you know it’s ze true. Oh oh oh. i lieb you.”
- Harper: Seriously?
- Mike: The man speaks the truth, Harper.
- Jon: Yeah, but they weren’t called “Milli Vanilli” anymore. They went by their real names. “Rob & Fab.”
- Harper: Are you guys fucking with me?
- Mike: Ah… Good ol’ Fabrice Morvan. Didn’t he die?
- Jon: No Mike. That was Rob Pilatus.
- Harper: Oh no! Rob died? How the hell did Rob die?
- Jon: Drowned.
- Harper: Oh my God, that’s tragic! Right after the comeback?
- Jon: I wouldn’t exactly call it a comeback. It turns out that their big debut album tanked, which sent Rob into a depressive downward spiral. The failure of the “Rob & Fab” album made Rob commit suicide.
- Mike: Wait… he drowned?
- Jon: Legend has it that he went out into the ocean and never came back.
- Harper: Like, he jumped off a cliff into the water?
- Jon: No. He was staring out at the horizon one morning and… I dunno. He just walked out into the ocean I think.
- Harper: And?
- Jon: And he never came back.
- Harper: Wow.
- Mike: The legend of Rob Pilatus
- Harper: What an incredible true story… I’m definitely going to have Hilary fact-check it on Wikipedia when we get back inside.
“Creep,” by the Scala & Kolacny Brothers. An amazing orchestral choir cover of Radiohead’s first big hit. Trust me on this… Give it a listen.
"You’re difficult. You will make a good point, and I will acknowledge it. And then I will make a good point, and you will mock me… Classic fucking you."
— Joshua Boydstun
“Space Bound,” by Eminem off his awesome new album, “Recovery.” You should definitely buy his CD on iTunes. It’s pretty great.
"Dreams are the touchstones of our character."
— Henry David Thoreau
Chumming. Now for kids.
Lies on the High Seas
- Jon: I'm excited for this weekend. I can't wait to be out on the open ocean, catching lobster and all.
- Mike: Well, Jon. It's like this. Basically, we can't really do that in the ocean around here. You need a license for that sort of thing.
- Jon: Yeah, OK. I'll draft something in 'Word.'
- Mike: No, I'm serious. This is a fishing town. These mongrel idiots make their living out there on the water.
- Jon: Are you kidding me? So I can't catch my own lobster?
- Mike: Look, it's not as simple as throwing a line in a river. You realize that, right?
- Jon: Sure it is. I had plans, Mike. Big plans!
- Mike: I know Jon. And I used those plans. I used them to lure you up here. And while you might be disappointed, I know that Hilary is excited you're coming.
- Jon: Well, to hell with you. I'm deep sea fishing. Truth be known, I was gonna go to the store, bathe a tennis ball in hooks and cow blood and toss that shit in the water.
- Mike: Frankly, we were concerned you would do something like that.
- Jon: I was gonna surprise you all, catching a mako shark or something. A regular deep sea hero...
- Mike: Well... I suppose we could go chummin'. That'd be fun.
- Jon: Can we? I'll go fucking chummin'.
- Mike: Sure, we'll just throw bloody carcasses in the water. We'll bring a few hundred gallons of steer blood too. Our friends will have a great time. Especially my wife and newborn daughter.
- Jon: Dude, I just googled it. Let's go chummin'.
- Mike: I gotta be honest with you, Jon. It's something that's typically frowned upon.
- Jon: But imagine that Facebook album. "Baby Natalie's FIRST chumming excursion."
- Mike: Yeah. I'm imagining it now.
- Jon: I suppose it could also be called "Baby Natalie's LAST chumming excursion."
- Mike: That's probably more likely. I can't see Hilary endorsing "chumming" as a hobby for our infant daughter.
- Jon: So wait a second...
- Mike: What?
- Jon: I'm really not going to get to catch anything on this boat we're going on? I was going to bring a corn cob pipe and a fishing hat. I was going to dress in a yellow rain slicker like one of the local whackadoos. This is ruining my whole plan.
- Mike: I honestly think the chances are slim unless we go on an actual fishing trip, hours away. But, you'll be happy to know that we can watch the pros catch lobsters on the boat.
- Jon: I can't even eat shellfish. So I have to watch someone catch it and then watch someone eat it.
- Mike: That seems to be what you're looking at...
- Jon: This reminds me of when my parents would order the Disney vacation package brochures on VHS and let my sister and I watch them... then never actually take us.
- Mike: You got tricked out of Disney World?
- Jon: Magic kingdom my ass
- Mike: Wow, what a sucker. Let me see what we can do about getting you that lobster...
- Jon: This Saturday, I expect to be on a boat. And I don't care if it's frowned upon, I'm chummin'.
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