June 2012
2 posts
May 2012
20 posts
Yolo
Jonathan: Yo, search Google for "Why Does" and look what the auto-fill puts in.
Danielle: "Why does your hair go gray?" So?
Jonathan: What the hell? Mine doesn't say that whatsoever.
Danielle: Of course yours would be different...
Jonathan: Wait, I meant, search for "When Does" and see what Google's auto-fill puts in.
Danielle: ...
Jonathan: ...
Danielle: "When does the Narwhal bacon?"
Jonathan: Yeah!
Danielle: What the shit does that mean?
Jonathan: How the hell do I know? I thought it was another stupid Drake thing. Like Yolo.
Danielle: No...
Jonathan: Like.. "yo, bitch, when does ya narwhal bacon?"
Danielle: ...
Jonathan: ...Yolo!
Dangerous Mind
Danielle: All I'm saying is the kid was having trouble until I taught him how to study. I said, "if you follow my method, you'll do better" and he went from failing his classes to getting A's. And he acknowledged me and thanked me and that was pretty awesome.
Jon: Look at you. Changing lives... and shit.
Danielle: And shit.
Jon: You're like... Melanie Griffith in "Dangerous Minds."
Danielle: Melanie Griffith wasn't in "Dangerous Minds."
Jon: No?
Danielle: That was Michelle Pfeiffer.
Jon: Well I don't care, you're still like Melanie Griffith in that movie. Cue the Coolio.
The Hypothesis
(Two elderly homeless guys walk down the street together, shopping carts in tow at 10PM under the subway overpass off 31st st. in Astoria, Queens. This was the overheard conversation on the way back from the supermarket.)
Homeless Guy 1: We're all being followed, Donald. Every single one of us.
Homeless Guy 2: I hear you, buddy. I've felt that way for years.
Homeless Guy 1: Right now, Donald? They're following us...
Homeless Guy 2: You really think so?
Homeless Guy 1: Oh, I'm sure of it. And I can do you one better, Donald. I even know WHO is following us.
Homeless Guy 2: Who!?
Homeless Guy 1: The Spanish.
Homeless Guy 2: Figures...
High Fashion
Danielle: So, did you receive my text?
Jon: Booyah!!!
Danielle: Seriously though...
Jon: Sure!
Danielle: The one about the purse we're buying mom for Mother's Day. Did you even read it?
Jon: Sure!
Danielle: Well, what do you think of it? Do you think that's a good style? Do you think she'll like the color?
Jon: Dude, I wear t-shirts with pictures of TaunTauns on them:(http://tinyurl.com/TaunTauns). Do you really want my opinion on this?
Danielle: ...I'll let you know how much you owe.
Mi Casa es Su Casa
Ken: Dude, your eating situation in this house is abysmal. You have 40 boxes of matzah and in the freezer there's only hard liquor, saki, and 3 huge frozen cakes. That's all you have.
Jon: So?
Ken: So, you know when you come to Chicago and you stay at my place and eat all my hot pockets?
Jon: Yes, I remember that.
Ken: So why aren't there any hotpockets here?
Jon: Because some idiot friend would obviously come along and eat them while I'm out.
Ken: So what should I do?
Jon: Try microwaving one of those frozen cakes.
Ken: ...
Jon: Order chinese food. There's a menu somewhere I bet.
Ken: Nevermind. I found an egg behind the saki. I'm going to try and eat that.
Video Game Karma
Jon: Remember when I sold your Carmen San Diego video game in high School?
Josh: Yup. I still wonder where in the world is that game went.
Jon: It’s really strange how little I regret that, even now. Then again, I think you stole something of mine years later and ruined it.
Josh: Remember how I kept your "Toe Jam & Earl" and "Streetfighter" games as recompense?
Jon: Ah, that what was it. I was so shocked they were giving 17.99 for Carmen San Diego. That game sucked. Had to do it, man.
Josh: Right. but then do you remember how my sister's ex-boyfriend stole all of my games, including yours, and left the boxes empty in my house for years before anyone discovered that they were missing? What a fucking asshole that guy was.
Jon: That's a shitstorm of fucking karma right there.
Josh: what a deadbeat that kid was. One day I was like, "oh man, I could go for some 'Rocket Knight Adventures.' Open it up... Empty box. Then I thought, "Well what about fuckin' 'Kid Chameleon?' Empty. Fucking asshole.
Jon: AH HA!
Josh: What?
Jon: I still own "Rocket Knight Adventures." Wanna borrow it?
Josh: Nah
Jon: Good, because I wouldn’t have let you anyway. Who steals a video game? really...
April 2012
20 posts
Northern Hospitality
Hilary: Ugh, Harper passed out with a beer in his hand. I have to set up his couch for him.
Jon: What an idiot. It's like you guys have another baby.
Mike: Good point.
Hilary: (Unfolding couch) Michael, there's no sheets whatsoever on Harper's couch-bed!
Mike: He doesn't give a shit, look at him. (Pointing at Harper passed out, holding said can of beer.) We could throw him out in the street for all he cares. Out with the trash, I say!
Hilary: Oh my God, Michael! ...Do you remember last Thursday when I specifically asked you to set up the bed for him?
Mike: Sure!.
Hilary: And do you remember when you said, "I got it!"
Mike: Of course I do!
Hilary: (To Jon) And how could you take all the spare blankets and leave him with none!?
Jon: There's spare blankets somwhere!? Mike gave me two baby blankets and an old pillow. I've had to put the two together - one on the botom and one on the top to make due.
Hilary: Michael!
Mike: Look. They don't deserve sheets.
Hilary: Michael!!!
“Naturally, the day I decide to bench Mike Napoli because he’s been playing...”
– Josh Boydstun, How to Manage a Fantasy Baseball Team.
WatchThis is as offensive as it is awesome.
The Worst Books Ever Written
Every so often, people will send me links to these… utterly abysmal books and sometime last year I was talking with the Duke of Prunes himself, my high school friend Josh, about how someone should collect all of these so they can all be found in one place…
Voila! So for the past year, I’ve been amassing this list of the worst books ever written. I’m sure there’s a...
March 2012
22 posts
The Incredibly True Story of Juan Valdez
On Juan Valdez’s death bed, he turned to his donkey and said, “I feel as though I’ve lied to you, my friend. The feel of the sun, the sound of birds, a cool breeze on my face. I cherish these things.”
The donkey in turn, didn’t reply because as you may or may not have noticed, he was a fucking donkey.
Juan persisted through shortened breath,...
Laundro-smack
Jon: Hey, I need change for a dollar.
Angry Asian Laundry Lady (AALL): You just ask for change before!
Jon: Yeah. That was for washing my clothes. Now I need to dry them and don't have enough quarters.
AALL: And before that?
Jon: You mean Wednesday?
AALL: Yes Wednesday!
Jon: I washed my comforter. I needed change. You know... to wash my comforter.
AALL: Why all the time?
Jon: You're a laundromat. You only take quarters. I don't see the problem. Don't you have about a million of them lying around?
AALL: I give it to you this time...
Jon: And not next time?
AALL: No!
Jon: Why, you don't like me?
AALL: No, I hate you.
Jon: Wow, that's...pretty harsh. Well... your laundromat sucks. I'm going down the street from now on where they're nice.
