July 2010
9 posts
Behind ze Music
Jon: Remember when Milli Vanilli came out with that new album?
Harper: What? When did they come out with a new album?
Jon: Oh. Like… Years ago. After they were blackballed from the music industry for being frauds.
Harper: Get out!
Mike: No, it’s true. They did.
Harper: You don’t say…
Jon: They put out a whole album, but with their voices.
Harper: What did they sound like?
Jon: Extremely German, if I recall.
Mike: Way German…
Harper: And it was all new stuff?
Jon: No. I think it was mostly their old hits, but with them actually singing… and also fused with a heavy German accent. Like… “Blame it on ze rain!”
Mike: “Girl you know it’s ze true. Oh oh oh. i lieb you.”
Harper: Seriously?
Mike: The man speaks the truth, Harper.
Jon: Yeah, but they weren’t called “Milli Vanilli” anymore. They went by their real names. “Rob & Fab.”
Harper: Are you guys fucking with me?
Mike: Ah… Good ol’ Fabrice Morvan. Didn’t he die?
Jon: No Mike. That was Rob Pilatus.
Harper: Oh no! Rob died? How the hell did Rob die?
Jon: Drowned.
Harper: Oh my God, that’s tragic! Right after the comeback?
Jon: I wouldn’t exactly call it a comeback. It turns out that their big debut album tanked, which sent Rob into a depressive downward spiral. The failure of the “Rob & Fab” album made Rob commit suicide.
Mike: Wait… he drowned?
Jon: Legend has it that he went out into the ocean and never came back.
Harper: Like, he jumped off a cliff into the water?
Jon: No. He was staring out at the horizon one morning and… I dunno. He just walked out into the ocean I think.
Harper: And?
Jon: And he never came back.
Harper: Wow.
Mike: The legend of Rob Pilatus
Harper: What an incredible true story… I’m definitely going to have Hilary fact-check it on Wikipedia when we get back inside.
“You’re difficult. You will make a good point, and I will acknowledge it. ...”
– Joshua Boydstun
“Dreams are the touchstones of our character.”
– Henry David Thoreau
June 2010
8 posts
Lies on the High Seas
Jon: I'm excited for this weekend. I can't wait to be out on the open ocean, catching lobster and all.
Mike: Well, Jon. It's like this. Basically, we can't really do that in the ocean around here. You need a license for that sort of thing.
Jon: Yeah, OK. I'll draft something in 'Word.'
Mike: No, I'm serious. This is a fishing town. These mongrel idiots make their living out there on the water.
Jon: Are you kidding me? So I can't catch my own lobster?
Mike: Look, it's not as simple as throwing a line in a river. You realize that, right?
Jon: Sure it is. I had plans, Mike. Big plans!
Mike: I know Jon. And I used those plans. I used them to lure you up here. And while you might be disappointed, I know that Hilary is excited you're coming.
Jon: Well, to hell with you. I'm deep sea fishing. Truth be known, I was gonna go to the store, bathe a tennis ball in hooks and cow blood and toss that shit in the water.
Mike: Frankly, we were concerned you would do something like that.
Jon: I was gonna surprise you all, catching a mako shark or something. A regular deep sea hero...
Mike: Well... I suppose we could go chummin'. That'd be fun.
Jon: Can we? I'll go fucking chummin'.
Mike: Sure, we'll just throw bloody carcasses in the water. We'll bring a few hundred gallons of steer blood too. Our friends will have a great time. Especially my wife and newborn daughter.
Jon: Dude, I just googled it. Let's go chummin'.
Mike: I gotta be honest with you, Jon. It's something that's typically frowned upon.
Jon: But imagine that Facebook album. "Baby Natalie's FIRST chumming excursion."
Mike: Yeah. I'm imagining it now.
Jon: I suppose it could also be called "Baby Natalie's LAST chumming excursion."
Mike: That's probably more likely. I can't see Hilary endorsing "chumming" as a hobby for our infant daughter.
Jon: So wait a second...
Mike: What?
Jon: I'm really not going to get to catch anything on this boat we're going on? I was going to bring a corn cob pipe and a fishing hat. I was going to dress in a yellow rain slicker like one of the local whackadoos. This is ruining my whole plan.
Mike: I honestly think the chances are slim unless we go on an actual fishing trip, hours away. But, you'll be happy to know that we can watch the pros catch lobsters on the boat.
Jon: I can't even eat shellfish. So I have to watch someone catch it and then watch someone eat it.
Mike: That seems to be what you're looking at...
Jon: This reminds me of when my parents would order the Disney vacation package brochures on VHS and let my sister and I watch them... then never actually take us.
Mike: You got tricked out of Disney World?
Jon: Magic kingdom my ass
Mike: Wow, what a sucker. Let me see what we can do about getting you that lobster...
Jon: This Saturday, I expect to be on a boat. And I don't care if it's frowned upon, I'm chummin'.
Seatbelts Optional
Josh: We should definitely travel the Bolivian Road of Death
Jon: Sounds good
Josh: I'm packing a parachute though, for when we fall off the cliff
Jon: Parachutes would be ideal
Josh: Totally
Jon: I'm driving
Josh: Wait. Why?
Jon: I've been in the car with you hitting shit too many times
Josh: When have I hit anything with you in the car? Most of the collisions I've had are when I'm flying solo
Jon: As refreshing as that sounds on the surface, do you remember your highway crash with septic face? Then there was that bird you hit in cape cod. You've crashed into toilet bowls in the middle of the desert. You crashed through a toll barricade that one time...
Josh: OK. Firstly, septic face rear ended me. I avoided that collision, albeit narrowly.
Jon: You didn't avoid anything. I had a concussion and her car was smashed!
Josh: I'm not responsible for getting rear-ended by a girl who hadn't slept in two days.
Jon: You stopped short on the highway because you weren't paying attention!
Josh: Yeah, but i wasn't legally culpable. And secondly, birds get hit all the time. You've run down multiple squirrels.
Jon: I've never run down anything
Josh: I seem to remember you definitely hit a squirrel and it going flying up behind your car when we ran back to my house in high school to pick up "Meet the Feebles" for Rayme's party.
Jon: Lies. You're a shit driver and I am not getting into a car with you as the driver on the Bolivian Road of Death
Josh: I'm not a shit driver. Ken Lau is a shit driver.
Jon: True, but thankfully he isn't coming with us.
Josh: And I didn't hit a toilet bowl. it was a number of parts FROM a toilet bowl.
Jon: OK, well I still count that
Josh: Yeah, well you've hit a fucking deer, how's that?
Jon: I didn't hit the deer. He hit me. It's all semantics.
Josh: You know... why the hell do I waste my time arguing with you, when you're just picking a fight to keep yourself entertained at work?
Jon: All I'm saying is that I'm driving the Bolivian Road of Death. You will work the iPod.
Josh: you're a douchebag.
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Oramac Media
Everyone go check out the new website that launched today for my video production company, Oramac Media. You can find us at www.OramacMedia.com.
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“Smith Hill,” by Deer Tick. The song...
May 2010
8 posts
Better Homes & Garden
Taz: What’s up? (sits down and picks up a book)
Justin: Hey man. We have to talk. (pauses) I really think you need to clean. Been saying it for a while now, but nothing seems to have changed. The house is filthy and like…
Taz: Yeah, I definitely hear you.
Justin: Right, but like, I’m kind of at the end of my rope with it. I can’t live like this.
Taz: It’s not THAT bad.
Justin: No it’s worse. Way way worse. There’s 10 lbs of larvae in the sink. 10 lbs… I almost threw up before.
Taz: True. I’m pretty frustrated too. I’m definitely at…. you know… where you’re at right now.
Justin: (pauses again) Really?
Taz: (doesn’t look up from book) Totally
Justin: Yeah. I really don't think you are.
The Proclaimers Greatest Hits
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1 tag
“Tyrant,” by The Bravery. Good song. ...
“If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will...”
– Conan O’Brien
April 2010
11 posts
“This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with...”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Head in the Sand
Josh: Ostriches are mean. And they're strong -- they can kill you with a kick. But something about getting kicked to death by a bird just seems wrong.
Jon: Honestly? I think I would beat an ostrich in a fight, if it came to that.
Josh: Ha. OK
Jon: You don't think so? I would fuck him up if I had to.
Josh: I mean, if you clocked it in the head, then maybe...
Jon: If I saw him rob an old woman or something, I would knock that thing out.
Josh: Why would an ostrich beat up an old woman?
Jon: He'd be done. That's all I'm saying.
Josh: But a fully grown ostrich? They have like... six-foot long legs
Jon: Well, I have moxie.
Josh: Right. OK... well it's obviously got a better reach than you. It could roundhouse kick you before you could get a single punch in.
Jon: Honestly, I don't think ostriches use roundhouse kicks. And even if one did, I would catch its leg and flat out place him in the figure four leg lock. Can you imagine how ridiculous that would look? Me all triumphant-like, with an ostrich on the ground, trapped in the figure four?
Josh: No. I can't.
Jon: That's what he gets for trying to hurt some defenseless old lady and roundhouse kick me. Damn ostrich in the figure four, tapping out with his head.
Josh: I actually saw a nature documentary recently. It took three fully grown cheetahs to subdue an ostrich.
Jon: I could most definitely beat up cheetah if need be.
Josh: You're an idiot.
“Life is less about what you’ve learned, and much more about what...”
– Bret Hart
“I need to visit Tucson and fuck the shit out of that town.”
– Anonymous
March 2010
12 posts
King of The Jungle
Jon: Honestly, there's no point in even dealing with her.
Adam: Tell em son! Tell em!
Jon: Who does she think she is?
Adam: Tell em' why you mad, son!
Jon: That girl even mentioning me in conversation is like a cockroach taking on a majestic lion.
Adam: Dude... Did you just refer to yourself as majestic?
Jon: ... So what? Maybe I did.
“Someone Else’s Life,” by Joshua...
“Are we stripes or non-stripes?”
– Julie Miller: On Billiards
“Better Than,” by the John Butler...
Plans
Jon: I'm so bored, man. What are you up to these days?
Donnie: In two weeks you are going to see someone fall so hard off the wagon that the earth will shake.
WatchThe amazing new video for the single “Stylo,” off Gorillaz’s new album, “Plastic Beach.” Honestly, if you haven’t given a look at the brilliant artistic work of recording artist Damon Albarn (Blur) and graphic artist, Jamie Hewlett, you’re under a rock. Their last two albums were fantastic and this new release promises to be just as good. Guest...
My friend Josh got a phone call yesterday from...
February 2010
11 posts
“Hey. I had a really peculiar time tonight. It was fun, I think…”
– text from “Anonymous” after her date with a Republican