February 2012
12 posts
"C" Words & "D" Words
Jon: I never liked that kid. He was always a dick.
Mom: Ugh. Can you please stop using the "D word?"
Jon: What? Dick?
Mom: Ugh!
Danielle: What's wrong with saying "dick?"
Mom: Would you guys stop it already!?
Jon: Since when can't we say the word "dick" around here?
Mom: Since always. I hate that word. Also, the "C word." It makes me cringe.
Jon: Cock?
Mom: No.
Jon: Choad?
Mom: No. It's the word for the female vagina.
Jon: As opposed to the male vagina?
Mom: Would you stop it already?
Jon: Cooter?
Danielle: Wow, there's a lot of unfortunate genitalia-based words beginning with C, aren't there?
Mom: Alright. Enough.
Jon: Hey ma, remember that kid Cock Choad I went to high school with?
Mom: ...No. I don't remember him. What about him?
Jon: I never liked him. He was always such a dick.
The Day Pop Culture Passed Them By... Part 2
Dad: You know guys, Adele is on TV tonight. Her first live performance since she had that voice problem.
Danielle: That's nice.
Dad: It is nice. Don't be a smart ass.
Danielle: Oh my God... You only care because she's British.
Jonathan: I feel like we've had this conversation before...
Dad: I don't care that she's British!
Danielle: Oh please...
Jonathan: (Aside to the dog) Nobody listens to me around here except for you.
Danielle: Tell him. He only cares about Adele because she's British. All the British bands. Coldplay too, right? You loooooove Coldplay.
Dad: They're very good as well.
Danielle: Well, Adele's certainly not winning the Grammy.
Jonathan: (Aside to the dog) Yup. Definitely had this discussion before.
Dad: Oh, then who's going to win it?
Jonathan: Kanye West and Jay-Z.
Dad: (Blank stare)
Jonathan: Or according to you, Keanu East and Kay-G.
Dad: Well I'll have you all know I listened to all of the nominees' albums from start to finish and the one you're talking about was the lowest quality by far.
Jonathan: Yes, because a 60 year old man from Liverpool is an objective critic of modern rap music.
Dad: I am!
Jonathan: Oh really? What was your favorite song from "Watch the Throne?" You strike me as a "Niggas in Paris" kinda guy. Or maybe "That's My Bitch." Yeah, that's it. I'm surprised I haven't heard you roaming the halls today spittin' verses of "That's My Bitch."
Dad: I... I listened to it. And I didn't like it.
Jonathan: Shocking.
Mom: You know who I like?
Jonathan: Let me guess. Cockerspaniel.
Mom: No jackass. Now I remember that's not what he's called. The one with J-Lo. What's his name? Bulldog...
Danielle: She means Pitbull.
Jonathan: And we've come full circle.
“Barstool,” by Gary Jules. A solid...
WatchOne More Minute You’ll Never Get Back… This video has always represented how I feel about living in this prison, New York City.
January 2012
24 posts
Err on the Side of Hot Pocket
Jon: Know what? They could combine any two things in a hot pocket and id eat it. Eggs and pickles. Bacon and tofu. Shit... they could combine nails and Wheat Thins and be all like "oh look! It's the classic flavor of Wheat Thins combined with the unmistakable crackle & grind of 100 nails in your mouth!" Know what I'd think?
Justin: ...
Jon: I'd think, "well, it's a hot pocket. Shit's gotta be good." Truth is, I just believe in them. I put more trust in the Hot Pocket company than any girl I've ever dated. Possibly any girl anywhere. And that's a fact.
Justin: That... is ridiculous.
Jon: Wow... I really thought you were going to agree with me there. Thought I was onto something big. Nevermind. Whatever.
Great Moments in Social Acrimony
(Autumn 2008, a frustrated LKH walks into a NY State unemployment office for a completely impromptu meeting.)
Jon: Excuse me. Are you Mr. Williams? They said that I needed to talk to you if you are.
Mr. Williams: Yes. Come into the office and have a seat.
(Jon shuts door and sits down. Introduces self.)
Mr. Williams: Ah yes. You...
Jon: Me? What a thing to say...
Mr. Williams: Well, son. I reviewed the mandatory form you filled out for the state.
Jon: Is that why you guys made me come here? I sent that thing in two weeks ago!
Mr. Williams: (Takes form out of a file) Yes, well... that you did.
Jon: So whats the problem?
Mr. Williams: I have reason to believe you aren't taking the state unemployment form seriously.
Jon: Well, that's not fair. Of course I am. I was on two interviews this week!
Mr. Williams: I said the form, not the job search. From your attached resume and work history, I'm sure you're actually looking for a job and that you'll find one. It's the form that's the problem.
Jon: I answered all the questions!
Mr. Williams: Shall we review your answers then? (Places spectacles on nose and reads form aloud.) Next to your name, you listed that you were the "Last King of Hollywood."
Jon: I am called that from time to time. It's a non-paying thing though... so, it's all good. Google it.
Mr. Williams: Right. That's not even the issue. See, we listed 3,000 potential skills that people can contribute in today's workforce. You checked only one box. (Dramatic pause). One. (Another dramatic pause.) Do you recall which one you checked off, Mr. King of Hollywood?
Jon: It's "Last...King of Hollywood." And I do not, sir.
Mr. Williams: Deli meat slicer.
Jon: I make a good sandwich.
Mr. Williams: You see how that's a problem when you also attach your resume listing myriad things you can actually do?
Jon: That's the problem, isn't it? If I actually sat there checking off 1000 boxes, you wouldn't have read my resume. And if I wanted people to not read my resume, then I wouldn't have bothered to write one. So the way I see it, the score is Last King of Hollywood 1, New York 0.
Mr. Williams: There were also two essay questions.
Jon: I answered those to the best of my abilities, just like it asked.
Mr. Williams: "In 1000 words or less, explain your greatest strength." Do you recall what you wrote?
Jon: Could be any number of things...
Mr. Williams: "Brevity." That's all you wrote. "Brevity..."
Jon: I think I proved my point with that one.
Mr Williams: Essay question two. "In 1000 words or less, explain your greatest weakness." Do you recall what you said for that?
Jon: Brunettes?
Mr. Williams: You wrote, "Sarcasm."
Jon: That was my second guess, actually...
(Mr. Williams smiles and takes another form from out of his folder, handing it across the table)
Mr. Williams: I read thousands of these things a month and it's honestly the most tedious job in the world. But this one? This was a welcome change of pace, son. That's why I'm giving you a chance to do it over. You really don't have a choice. Just get it over with.
Jon: (Grabs paper and sighs.) Fine, but I'm calling this a tie. Last King of Hollywood 1, New York 1.
Movies Back in Time
Our Generation of movies… if they were made 60 years ago.
“Stumblin’ Home Winter Blues,”...
Holistic Maladies
Jon: I think this ADD is starting to really catch up to me. I can never finish anything. I might need to go on Adderal.
Justin: I know the feeling man. I've been there.
Jon: Well, I'm gonna fight it!
Justin: I bet you are...
Jon: So here's how it's going to go down. It's like 1AM, but I'm going out to buy coffee. When I get back, I'm leaving the grid so I can focus of writing a chapter of this book. I'm going to listen to music on my way there to get me pumped. When I get back, I'm going to unplug things. Turn off the Internet connection. Really get after this...
Justin: Yeah. For say a good... 20 minutes? Then you'll flip Facebook open just to see what's poppin'. That's exactly what you'll do.
Jon: How can you be so sure?
Justin: That's what I'd do.
Jon: Shit! You're right. I dunno... Maybe I need to huff some paint thinner or something until I can get myself that prescription.
Justin: That... probably wont work.
Jon: God dammit, you're right. Where am I gonna get paint thinner from at this hour?
Qualifying Live Events
Aetna Customer Service (ACS): I'm sorry, sir, but you missed the application cut off for health care in 2012.
Jon: Well, wouldn't that have been nice to know? Shouldn't somebody have told me that there was a registration deadline?
ACS: Yes.
Jon: ...
ACS: You can sign up in 2013 though!
Jon: That really doesn't help me.
ACS: Well, you don't necessarily need a healthcare plan. There's alternatives.
Jon: Like not getting sick ever again?
ACS: That works, but you can pay for your own plan too.
Jon: So pay full price at the doctor like I've been doing since I'm 12?
ACS: Yeah, I guess it's not the best alternative. But hey! You can become immediately eligible again if you have a "qualifying life event!"
Jon: What's that?
ACS: If for instance you have a baby, you become eligible again, right away.
Jon: So I have to get someone knocked up to get health insurance? Is that essentially what you're telling me?
ACS: It would make you eligible once the baby is born, yes.
Jon: I'd still have to wait 9 months.
ACS: Better than 12, right?
Jon: No. It's not better whatsoever. It's worse. Way worse. Because I'd suddenly have a bastard child to deal with.
ACS: Well you can get married too, you know.
Jon: And why would I want to do that? So "health care baby" has a mother?
ACS: No. Getting married is also a qualifying life event!
Jon: ...
ACS: ...
Jon: Can I speak to a supervisor please?
“Minion quality control is difficult…”
– Elise Cantu
“You’re an alright cat, you are… but fuck you and your New Year. ...”
– Jason Harper’s drunk response to my “Happy New Years!” text message.
December 2011
21 posts
Starseed is Coming
Starseed, the new book of mine, coming in 2012. Figured New Years Eve was as good a time as any to mention its forthcoming existence. Also, by mentioning it, I’m really upping the ante and forcing myself to finish it on time. Details to follow…
In the meantime buy one of my other jams on the cheap at Amazon. The Curator actually did pretty damn well and got positive reviews....
The Day Pop Culture Passed Them By
Dad: Who do you think is going to win the Grammy for album of the year?
Jonathan: I don't particularly care. Don't they usually give it to Coldplay?
Danielle: ...Or Radiohead.
Dad: No. I don't believe so. It will surely go to Adele.
Danielle: You only say that because she's British and that's all you care about. Being Britsh and British things.
Dad: Not true! But I'll tell you who won't be winning is that Kay-G and that Keanu East fellow.
Danielle: Huh?
Jonathan: He means Jay-Z and Kanye. And yeah, "Watch the Throne" is going to win best album; it's awesome. It's provocative. It get's the people going...
Dad: Oh it's terrible...
Danielle: No, he's right, it's really good. You've never even heard it and you don't even know their names.
Mom: You know who I like? That dog guy.
Danielle: What dog guy?
Mom: The one who raps with J-Lo. What's his name? Cockerspaniel. I like him.
Danielle: Who the fuck is Cockerspaniel?
Jonathan: (Sighs) She means "Pitbull."
The Blank White LKH Christmas
I’ve been looking at this blank page for about three days now. Or maybe it’s a canvas of white? Would it be more accurate to default to IKEA colors such as “eggshell white” or “Mother of Pearl?” I’m not entirely sure what Microsoft Word white translates into in the color scheme world, but it’s blank for sure.
Every year, I’ve made a habit of write up some obnoxious holiday post talking about...
The Korea Rankings
Jon: Apparently North Koreans think that they're the richest country in the world when they're in fact the second poorest.
Thomas: Oh lord... who's poorest?
Jon: Somebody said Haiti, but I dont know if that's accurate.
Thomas: That strikes me as wrong.
Jon: Maybe it was in terms of somewhat developed countries.
Thomas: They're not eating tree bark because they don't have food.
Jon: I think they left out places like... The Sudan.
Thomas: Well that hardly seems fair. "North Korea is the shittiest country of all the ones we decided to count."
Jon: Yeah, I'll be honest... Someone told me that and I'm looking for proof online and cannot find it. But I'll say this. I bet they're #2 on some list.
Thomas: Yeah. On the list of "Best Koreas."
Part of a Balanced Breakfast
Jon: Well, I've really been enjoying a steady diet of bagels, orange juice, and vodka.
Mike: Is that so?
Jon: Yeah. Well up until now at least.
Mike: Why's that?
Jon: I'm out of orange juice.
She Knows Too Well
Jon: I'm here to pick up a shirt.
Dry Cleaning Lady (DCL): Hi Jon, you have many thing to pick up.
Jon: Really? I thought I just put that one purple shirt in..
DCL: No. You also put in green shirt that get rained on. Also pants. Also suit jacket.
Jon: You sure?
DCL: Oh yes. Very very sure. I keep all your ticket in drawer here. (Opens drawer at counter and rummages for a stack of tickets. Holds them up to me.) See?
Jon: Those are mine?
DCL: Yes. You very forgetful so I keep all your ticket. You not once remember to bring ticket. So I keep for you. And ticket says you have 2 shirt, 1 pants, 1 suit jacket. (pulls a number of items off the rack).
Jon: (looking items over) Yeah... these are all mine.
DCL: Your head not attached. But you dress nice.
