October 2009
12 posts
1 tag
Trying to get myself in the mood for Halloween. ...
“What store sells condoms and nails?”
– Justin Kanner
2 tags
Priceless Epiphanies: Safe Shopping
I was recently in a supermarket when I came to some very important realizations.
One…
Supermarket Sweep might have been an excellent show, but I know a way to make it better…
Two…
Everyone goes shopping for a few items throughout the week as a means to supplement what’s already in the house. Maybe you need milk or sugar or bananas. Sometimes you might need...
Lord of the Dorks
Danielle: So last night I was discussing the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my roommate... and I said "Return of the King" was probably the most epic movie I've ever seen
Jonathan: I guess. "The Return of the King" was pretty good.
Danielle: Just good? The battle scenes were fucking epic and then the ending(s).
Jonathan: But it wasn't as good as "The Two Towers"
Danielle: I dunno
Jonathan: You're a maniac! When those insane horses come lumbering down that hill and fucking ass plow the goblins...that is epic incarnate!
Danielle: The first Lord of the Rings is good only like halfway through all the bullshit.
Jonathan: Yeah, once they get out of the shire and into the shit
Danielle: That's what I was saying before!
Jonathan: I'd slit my own throat if i had to live in the shire
Danielle: Agreed. Fuck the shire.
Jonathan: Creepy little miscreants in my backyard fucking pumpkins and radishes
Danielle: The shire is comparable to parts of Northern England, I'd say
Jonathan: How true. How true...but with squash fucking midgets
Danielle: I don't remember that scene, but i imagine that it sucked. I do, however, like when Frodo gets the ring.
Jonathan: Oh God! That's the worst part of the whole damn trilogy!
Danielle: But there's PANIC!
Jonathan: there's fucking nonsense! "Oh no! I'm a man with jewelery! Should I throw it in the fire? Should i put it in this envelope?
Danielle: Oh right... the envelope.
Jonathan: Should I NOT put it in this envelope?
Danielle: You know, not for nothing, but where does a hobbit even acquire an envelope?
Jonathan: That's a good question, but I think the point is "who gives a shit abut the envelope?" Merlin threw the fucking envelope in the fire anyway, y'know?
Danielle: Fucking Merlin...
Jonathan: That was a full 20 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Watching a debate over an envelope... One that Greenbeard comes along and sets on fire anyway
Danielle: I feel like they could've done without that
Jonathan: You know what else is particularly questionable? Dwarves... Where were the friggen dwarf women?
Danielle: There were none.
Jonathan: Exactly. And you can't tell me that Gimli pulls any human ass. So either he masturbates a whole lot...
Danielle: I'm more perplexed by Frodo and Sam's relationship. Can't say I ever trusted it
Jonathan: Oh I trusted it. I trusted that they were doing a worse job of staying in the closet than RuPaul.
Danielle: It was fairly homosexual in nature, was it not?
Jonathan: Indeed. I've never said to another man... "I'm your Jon." Nor will I ever.
Danielle: He said, "I'm your Sam?"
Jonathan: Often.
Danielle: That's more than enough evidence for me.
Jonathan: So climb Brokeback Mt. Doom all you want, Sam. I'm a modern guy in modern times. I'm cool with it... but you sure as shit aren't fooling anybody
Danielle: ...
Jonathan: I'm going to go make a sandwich.
Danielle: Yea, i don't want to ever talk about these movies ever again.
1 tag
“Potion Approaching,” by The Arctic...
An Inconvenient Truth
Anonymous 1: Damn, that waitress is out of control from behind.
Anonymous 2: Yeah... But I assure you, she's very much IN control from the front.
Anonymous 1: Really? Well, I guess she's halfway there...
Anonymous 2: Some might say she's under construction.
1 tag
“Nothing Better,” by The Postal...
“It takes a big man to cry. And it takes a bigger man… to laugh at that...”
– Anonymous
1 tag
Adventures in Dating... (And Other Reasons to...
CHAPTER 1, SCENE 8
The Office
Jeremy shuffles into an unbearably bland office and sits down at his cubicle.
There is a computer, telephone, and a gargantuan portrait on the wall of an old austere looking gentleman. At the bottom of the portrait, it says, “Mr. Toolington.” The portrait looms over Jeremy.
Jeremy turns on his computer and slouches in his chair. The phone...
1 tag
“The Bitch Went Nuts (Part 2),” by Ben...