March 2010
12 posts
February 2010
11 posts
“Hey. I had a really peculiar time tonight. It was fun, I think…”
– text from “Anonymous” after her date with a Republican
Bed. Bath. And Far Beyond
Jon: Should I get the "Sage and Citrus" candle then?
Lori: Yes, it's the best. I love it. And typically, I don't like scents.
Jon: Who says that?
Lori: What?
Jon: That they don't like scents. It's like... "Oh. I don't like tastes."
Lori: I just don't!
Jon: Fine... I'll get the "Sage and Citrus" then. Should I get it in the jar or the tumbler?
Lori: Oh. Definitely don't get the jar. It's really hard to put your fist in it.
Jon: ... Do I even want to know?
Friendship
Jon: It's a shame you guys don't hang out more
Mike: Well, Jon. I'll be honest. A large part of the reason that he and I have never been close is because he doesn't like me.
Jon: Touche.
Let Down
Danielle: So, I hear you won a raffle at an art exhibit. What did you win?
Jonathan: A woman's T-shirt that says "Madrid."
Clean Up: Aisle Me
First of all, how is it that I can continually make relevant use of the picture above? I mean… really?
That said, I thought this would be a good place to outline my activities of last Saturday night. The debauchery was as fast as it was furious, resultant in me on a swing, with a bartender, on a bar, having free shots of Patron poured down my throat. Ten minutes later I realized I had...
Feats of Uncanny Mediocrity
Danielle: I went to the dentist when I was home. Turns out that I have no cavities. I rule.
Jonathan: I went to the opomitrist. Turns out i have x-ray vision.
Danielle: Oh yeah? Prove it.
Jonathan: I discovered during her exam that the doctor has unusually large nipples
Danielle: I hate you.
Parental Wisdom: Yoga and Exercise
Mom: Where have you been? We've been calling you.
Jon: I've been taking yoga classes after work.
Mom: Yoga? Like stretching things?
Jon: Yeah. But it's "Bikram Yoga" so it's actually a lot more intense...
Mom: WHAT!? That sounds incredibly dangerous! What the hell is wrong with you!?
Jon: Oh. Give me a break. You're ridiculous...
Mom: So what? You have to fight people? Is there fighting? You've joined a gang? I swear, even as a kid you were always trying and doing crazy things -- playing stupid sports and acting like a daredevil. You're going to give me a heart attack. Is that what you want?
Jon: What the hell are you talking about?
Mom: I don't like the sound of "Victim Yoga!"
Me: It's Bikram Yoga, you retard. Not "Victim." Sometimes I wonder why I try explaining anything to you...
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