June 2010
8 posts
Lies on the High Seas
Jon: I'm excited for this weekend. I can't wait to be out on the open ocean, catching lobster and all.
Mike: Well, Jon. It's like this. Basically, we can't really do that in the ocean around here. You need a license for that sort of thing.
Jon: Yeah, OK. I'll draft something in 'Word.'
Mike: No, I'm serious. This is a fishing town. These mongrel idiots make their living out there on the water.
Jon: Are you kidding me? So I can't catch my own lobster?
Mike: Look, it's not as simple as throwing a line in a river. You realize that, right?
Jon: Sure it is. I had plans, Mike. Big plans!
Mike: I know Jon. And I used those plans. I used them to lure you up here. And while you might be disappointed, I know that Hilary is excited you're coming.
Jon: Well, to hell with you. I'm deep sea fishing. Truth be known, I was gonna go to the store, bathe a tennis ball in hooks and cow blood and toss that shit in the water.
Mike: Frankly, we were concerned you would do something like that.
Jon: I was gonna surprise you all, catching a mako shark or something. A regular deep sea hero...
Mike: Well... I suppose we could go chummin'. That'd be fun.
Jon: Can we? I'll go fucking chummin'.
Mike: Sure, we'll just throw bloody carcasses in the water. We'll bring a few hundred gallons of steer blood too. Our friends will have a great time. Especially my wife and newborn daughter.
Jon: Dude, I just googled it. Let's go chummin'.
Mike: I gotta be honest with you, Jon. It's something that's typically frowned upon.
Jon: But imagine that Facebook album. "Baby Natalie's FIRST chumming excursion."
Mike: Yeah. I'm imagining it now.
Jon: I suppose it could also be called "Baby Natalie's LAST chumming excursion."
Mike: That's probably more likely. I can't see Hilary endorsing "chumming" as a hobby for our infant daughter.
Jon: So wait a second...
Mike: What?
Jon: I'm really not going to get to catch anything on this boat we're going on? I was going to bring a corn cob pipe and a fishing hat. I was going to dress in a yellow rain slicker like one of the local whackadoos. This is ruining my whole plan.
Mike: I honestly think the chances are slim unless we go on an actual fishing trip, hours away. But, you'll be happy to know that we can watch the pros catch lobsters on the boat.
Jon: I can't even eat shellfish. So I have to watch someone catch it and then watch someone eat it.
Mike: That seems to be what you're looking at...
Jon: This reminds me of when my parents would order the Disney vacation package brochures on VHS and let my sister and I watch them... then never actually take us.
Mike: You got tricked out of Disney World?
Jon: Magic kingdom my ass
Mike: Wow, what a sucker. Let me see what we can do about getting you that lobster...
Jon: This Saturday, I expect to be on a boat. And I don't care if it's frowned upon, I'm chummin'.
Seatbelts Optional
Josh: We should definitely travel the Bolivian Road of Death
Jon: Sounds good
Josh: I'm packing a parachute though, for when we fall off the cliff
Jon: Parachutes would be ideal
Josh: Totally
Jon: I'm driving
Josh: Wait. Why?
Jon: I've been in the car with you hitting shit too many times
Josh: When have I hit anything with you in the car? Most of the collisions I've had are when I'm flying solo
Jon: As refreshing as that sounds on the surface, do you remember your highway crash with septic face? Then there was that bird you hit in cape cod. You've crashed into toilet bowls in the middle of the desert. You crashed through a toll barricade that one time...
Josh: OK. Firstly, septic face rear ended me. I avoided that collision, albeit narrowly.
Jon: You didn't avoid anything. I had a concussion and her car was smashed!
Josh: I'm not responsible for getting rear-ended by a girl who hadn't slept in two days.
Jon: You stopped short on the highway because you weren't paying attention!
Josh: Yeah, but i wasn't legally culpable. And secondly, birds get hit all the time. You've run down multiple squirrels.
Jon: I've never run down anything
Josh: I seem to remember you definitely hit a squirrel and it going flying up behind your car when we ran back to my house in high school to pick up "Meet the Feebles" for Rayme's party.
Jon: Lies. You're a shit driver and I am not getting into a car with you as the driver on the Bolivian Road of Death
Josh: I'm not a shit driver. Ken Lau is a shit driver.
Jon: True, but thankfully he isn't coming with us.
Josh: And I didn't hit a toilet bowl. it was a number of parts FROM a toilet bowl.
Jon: OK, well I still count that
Josh: Yeah, well you've hit a fucking deer, how's that?
Jon: I didn't hit the deer. He hit me. It's all semantics.
Josh: You know... why the hell do I waste my time arguing with you, when you're just picking a fight to keep yourself entertained at work?
Jon: All I'm saying is that I'm driving the Bolivian Road of Death. You will work the iPod.
Josh: you're a douchebag.
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