January 2011
17 posts
"The Curator" Has Landed
Alright everyone. The time is finally upon us. My short novel, “The Curator” is now available for download on Amazon. So, read on to find out how to download the story, as well as a little description about the story itself!
You can find “The Curator” by going to Amazon’s Kindle Store and s earching for the title. It should come right up. It’s either the...
Down to Eartha
Jon: Anne Hathaway has been cast as the next Catwoman.
Josh: I saw. She can't be worse than Halle Berry.
Jon: They should use the reanimated corpse of Eartha Kitt.
Josh: My sister met her when she came to the high school in 1999. She said she was a cold bitch.
Jon: Eartha?
Josh: Yeah, fucking Eartha.
Jon: Well you would be a bitch too, were you also Eartha Kitt.
Josh: How so?
Jon: Because she looks like 3 feet of spandex stretched over a skeleton and loose speaker wire.
Josh: She looks like an overcooked Carole Channing
Jon: More like Charcoal Channing.
Josh: Exactly.
Jon: She looks like Blithe Danner if Blithe Danner was strung out on meth amphetamines and fed only Nerds, Skittles, and birdseed for six months.
Josh: Actually, if you really want to know, she looks like an anorexic Ken Lau wearing a Prince costume.
Jon: I'm not convinced.
Josh: http://tinyurl.com/EarthaKen
Jon: Holy shit, that's great. If only Ken could lose some weight and shop at Joyce Leslie
Josh: Indeed. I'm uploading the comparison to Ken's Facebook page right now...
TEN MINUTES LATER
Ken: Come on guys... Honestly?
Josh: What?
Ken: I have work friends!
Jon: So?
Ken: I don't post shit on your walls.
Josh: Maybe you should.
Jon: Are you saying that people at work don't like Eartha Kitt?
Ken: Seriously, my colleagues always ask me why I get tagged in all these weird pics by you guys.
Josh: Wait, so for the record are you saying that you DON'T look like Eartha Kitt?
Jon: I never knew corporate America had a no Eartha Kitt policy.
Josh: Ken, your sudden silence speaks volumes...
Below the (Kuiper) Belt
Attending a question & answer segment with astronomer Mike Brown, (the man responsible for Pluto's dismissal as a planet) the following conversation takes place between two people in the back of an assembly.
Question from the Audience #1: How many planets are out there beyond Pluto?
Jonathan: Seventeen.
Danielle: Ha! Right? Like how the hell does he know?
Jonathan: For real. The guy just opened a hole in space with his mind, for you to understand and appreciate -- a veritable glance into the cosmos. And that's the best question you can come up with?
Question from the Audience #2: Why are all the planets named for Greek Gods?
Danielle: Ugh, what asinine questions these are. And this one's probably the best yet.
Jonathan: I hope he goes over and slaps that person.
Question from the Audience #3: What would you say... if let's say... you found an asteroid in space that was way colorful with an atmosphere?
Danielle: Could that guy be any more gay?
Jonathan: What would you think, if let's say I found a super cute moon with lots of fashion? What then? Would you go shopping there?
Danielle: These people are totally embarrassing themselves.
Jonathan: That's it, I've got a question (hand goes up).
Danielle: Oh no. What are you going to ask?
Jonathan: Boxers or briefs.
Danielle: If you humiliate me, I am walking out. Put your fucking hand down.
“Well, I was really wicked drunk one time in 2003 and the barbecue was looking at...”
– Anonymous
11 LKH New Years Resolutions for 2011
As the New Year is thankfully upon us, it’s time to hop on the “Fuck 2010” bandwagon with the rest of you out there. Here’s a list of things I resolve to do this year on LKH.com.
1. I will finish “The Curator,” which some of you have been asking me about. It’s taken about two weeks longer than I expected to write since it wound up being a lot longer...
