December 2011
21 posts
Starseed is Coming
Starseed, the new book of mine, coming in 2012. Figured New Years Eve was as good a time as any to mention its forthcoming existence. Also, by mentioning it, I’m really upping the ante and forcing myself to finish it on time. Details to follow…
In the meantime buy one of my other jams on the cheap at Amazon. The Curator actually did pretty damn well and got positive reviews....
The Day Pop Culture Passed Them By
Dad: Who do you think is going to win the Grammy for album of the year?
Jonathan: I don't particularly care. Don't they usually give it to Coldplay?
Danielle: ...Or Radiohead.
Dad: No. I don't believe so. It will surely go to Adele.
Danielle: You only say that because she's British and that's all you care about. Being Britsh and British things.
Dad: Not true! But I'll tell you who won't be winning is that Kay-G and that Keanu East fellow.
Danielle: Huh?
Jonathan: He means Jay-Z and Kanye. And yeah, "Watch the Throne" is going to win best album; it's awesome. It's provocative. It get's the people going...
Dad: Oh it's terrible...
Danielle: No, he's right, it's really good. You've never even heard it and you don't even know their names.
Mom: You know who I like? That dog guy.
Danielle: What dog guy?
Mom: The one who raps with J-Lo. What's his name? Cockerspaniel. I like him.
Danielle: Who the fuck is Cockerspaniel?
Jonathan: (Sighs) She means "Pitbull."
The Blank White LKH Christmas
I’ve been looking at this blank page for about three days now. Or maybe it’s a canvas of white? Would it be more accurate to default to IKEA colors such as “eggshell white” or “Mother of Pearl?” I’m not entirely sure what Microsoft Word white translates into in the color scheme world, but it’s blank for sure.
Every year, I’ve made a habit of write up some obnoxious holiday post talking about...
The Korea Rankings
Jon: Apparently North Koreans think that they're the richest country in the world when they're in fact the second poorest.
Thomas: Oh lord... who's poorest?
Jon: Somebody said Haiti, but I dont know if that's accurate.
Thomas: That strikes me as wrong.
Jon: Maybe it was in terms of somewhat developed countries.
Thomas: They're not eating tree bark because they don't have food.
Jon: I think they left out places like... The Sudan.
Thomas: Well that hardly seems fair. "North Korea is the shittiest country of all the ones we decided to count."
Jon: Yeah, I'll be honest... Someone told me that and I'm looking for proof online and cannot find it. But I'll say this. I bet they're #2 on some list.
Thomas: Yeah. On the list of "Best Koreas."
Part of a Balanced Breakfast
Jon: Well, I've really been enjoying a steady diet of bagels, orange juice, and vodka.
Mike: Is that so?
Jon: Yeah. Well up until now at least.
Mike: Why's that?
Jon: I'm out of orange juice.
She Knows Too Well
Jon: I'm here to pick up a shirt.
Dry Cleaning Lady (DCL): Hi Jon, you have many thing to pick up.
Jon: Really? I thought I just put that one purple shirt in..
DCL: No. You also put in green shirt that get rained on. Also pants. Also suit jacket.
Jon: You sure?
DCL: Oh yes. Very very sure. I keep all your ticket in drawer here. (Opens drawer at counter and rummages for a stack of tickets. Holds them up to me.) See?
Jon: Those are mine?
DCL: Yes. You very forgetful so I keep all your ticket. You not once remember to bring ticket. So I keep for you. And ticket says you have 2 shirt, 1 pants, 1 suit jacket. (pulls a number of items off the rack).
Jon: (looking items over) Yeah... these are all mine.
DCL: Your head not attached. But you dress nice.
Hung Out to Dry
(At the Laundromat, I put two quarters into the wrong dryer)
Jon: Oh crap. Excuse me, I put two quarters into this machine, but all my stuff is in the other one.
Asian Laundromat Lady: (Storms over) Shit, whatchu do!?
Jon: Um... put two quarters into the wrong...
Asian Laundromat Lady: (points at my face) You come in here before, you wear glasses. Now you come back with no glasses. Whatchu do!?
Jon: I...left...them... in my apartment I guess?
Asian Laundromat Lady: Before you were fuckin' four eyes. Now you fuckin' no eyes.
Jon: ...what?
Asian Laundromat Lady: I give you quarters just this time, but you ca-rAzy.
“Constipated people do not give a shit.”
– Confucius
Glenjamin at the Bar
Girl: Hey, I'm Rachel. What's your name?
Jon: Glenjamin.
GIrl: I'm sorry. Did you say... "Glenjamin?"
Jon: Indeed, I did. It's pretty crazy, right? You're probably thinking right now, "I could never see myself with a 'Glenjamin'" or maybe "I totally want to screw this guy, his name is 'Glenjamin.'" It's a curse and a blessing, but it's mine to bear, so just don't judge I guess...
Girl: Oh, I'm not! It's pretty awesome! (feigns a smile)
(Awkward Silence)
Girl: So how'd you get a name like that?
Jon: I'll be honest with you... what did you say your name was?
Girl: Rachel.
Jon: Well, I'll be honest with you Rachel. You know how a man named "Glenjamin" gets a name like "Glenjamin?" When he's an accident and his parents learn it about too late. That's how.
Girl: Oh my God, that's awful.
Jon: Is it? I said "accident," not "mistake."
Girl: Oh my God, no, I didn't mean....
Jon: Well how'd you get your name then?
Girl: It was my Great Grandmother's name.
Jon: Yeah, naming someone after your grandma is always a mistake.
(Friend yells from across the crowded room)
Friend: Jon!!!!!! I heard you were here! What's going on, man?
Jon: (To Girl) That's my cue. Nice meeting you.