The Last King of Hollywood

January 31, 2012 Comments

Err on the Side of Hot Pocket

Jon: Know what? They could combine any two things in a hot pocket and id eat it. Eggs and pickles. Bacon and tofu. Shit... they could combine nails and Wheat Thins and be all like "oh look! It's the classic flavor of Wheat Thins combined with the unmistakable crackle & grind of 100 nails in your mouth!" Know what I'd think?
Justin: ...
Jon: I'd think, "well, it's a hot pocket. Shit's gotta be good." Truth is, I just believe in them. I put more trust in the Hot Pocket company than any girl I've ever dated. Possibly any girl anywhere. And that's a fact.
Justin: That... is ridiculous.
Jon: Wow... I really thought you were going to agree with me there. Thought I was onto something big. Nevermind. Whatever.

January 30, 2012 Comments

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

“Wonderwall,” by Cat Power. A great cover of a classic Oasis song by the Queen of Indie Rock.

January 29, 2012 2 notes Comments

Now presenting… the ticklish camel.

January 27, 2012 Comments

HA!

January 26, 2012 Comments

This song will forever be amazing… and its video will forever remain creepy. Hang my head. Drown my fear. ’Till you all just disappear…

January 25, 2012 Comments

The Bad Joke Eel

January 24, 2012 1 note Comments

Great Moments in Social Acrimony

(Autumn 2008, a frustrated LKH walks into a NY State unemployment office for a completely impromptu meeting.)
Jon: Excuse me. Are you Mr. Williams? They said that I needed to talk to you if you are.
Mr. Williams: Yes. Come into the office and have a seat.
(Jon shuts door and sits down. Introduces self.)
Mr. Williams: Ah yes. You...
Jon: Me? What a thing to say...
Mr. Williams: Well, son. I reviewed the mandatory form you filled out for the state.
Jon: Is that why you guys made me come here? I sent that thing in two weeks ago!
Mr. Williams: (Takes form out of a file) Yes, well... that you did.
Jon: So whats the problem?
Mr. Williams: I have reason to believe you aren't taking the state unemployment form seriously.
Jon: Well, that's not fair. Of course I am. I was on two interviews this week!
Mr. Williams: I said the form, not the job search. From your attached resume and work history, I'm sure you're actually looking for a job and that you'll find one. It's the form that's the problem.
Jon: I answered all the questions!
Mr. Williams: Shall we review your answers then? (Places spectacles on nose and reads form aloud.) Next to your name, you listed that you were the "Last King of Hollywood."
Jon: I am called that from time to time. It's a non-paying thing though... so, it's all good. Google it.
Mr. Williams: Right. That's not even the issue. See, we listed 3,000 potential skills that people can contribute in today's workforce. You checked only one box. (Dramatic pause). One. (Another dramatic pause.) Do you recall which one you checked off, Mr. King of Hollywood?
Jon: It's "Last...King of Hollywood." And I do not, sir.
Mr. Williams: Deli meat slicer.
Jon: I make a good sandwich.
Mr. Williams: You see how that's a problem when you also attach your resume listing myriad things you can actually do?
Jon: That's the problem, isn't it? If I actually sat there checking off 1000 boxes, you wouldn't have read my resume. And if I wanted people to not read my resume, then I wouldn't have bothered to write one. So the way I see it, the score is Last King of Hollywood 1, New York 0.
Mr. Williams: There were also two essay questions.
Jon: I answered those to the best of my abilities, just like it asked.
Mr. Williams: "In 1000 words or less, explain your greatest strength." Do you recall what you wrote?
Jon: Could be any number of things...
Mr. Williams: "Brevity." That's all you wrote. "Brevity..."
Jon: I think I proved my point with that one.
Mr Williams: Essay question two. "In 1000 words or less, explain your greatest weakness." Do you recall what you said for that?
Jon: Brunettes?
Mr. Williams: You wrote, "Sarcasm."
Jon: That was my second guess, actually...
(Mr. Williams smiles and takes another form from out of his folder, handing it across the table)
Mr. Williams: I read thousands of these things a month and it's honestly the most tedious job in the world. But this one? This was a welcome change of pace, son. That's why I'm giving you a chance to do it over. You really don't have a choice. Just get it over with.
Jon: (Grabs paper and sighs.) Fine, but I'm calling this a tie. Last King of Hollywood 1, New York 1.