Searching for a job is one of my least favorite things to do. Unfortunately, with the economy the way it is, I find myself, like many others sitting at the computer sending out resumes day after day, hoping for something to come along.
But lately, the jobs have been getting more ridiculous while becoming few and far between. I’ve been sifting through this shit on Craigslist with my chin up, but tonight, one “job” pushed me clear over the edge. It was listed in the PR & Marketing Section of Craigslist.
Hat Production Manager. If you will, please check out the job yourself:
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mar/1331052004.html
What follows is the cover letter that I sent these folks soon after:
August 19, 2009
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to apply for the position of Hat Production Manager that has been posted on Craigslist.org. I have carefully reviewed the qualifications that are necessary to fill this position and have keenly deduced that I possess almost none of them. However, in my humble attempt at paying rent in the near future, if you need me to make some headgear, consider me the Mad-Fucking-Hatter.
First, let’s take a look at some of the laugh-out-fucking-loud skills that this low-paying job of yours mandates.
1. A masterful knowledge of Quickbooks, multi-tasking, and “sourcing/costing.” — Out-sourcing labor to jokers in other countries with fake American names that will get paid even less than me? Sounds fuuuuun!
2. 1 - 2 years Hat production experience. ** A bonus if I’ve worked in straw or felt. — I have over 15 years experience in headgear creation (as us seasoned “hatters” like to call it) But mostly in the form of tin foil sailor caps, paper mache head-dresses, cottage cheese toreros, and “hard-hats” made of granulated Viagra pills. But I have longed to work with straw and felt for about as long as it’s taken me to accurately string together my thoughts in this E-Mail.
3. Foreign language skills including Cantonese, Mandarin, Korean, and Spanish fluency a major plus — I can say “Happy New Year” in Hebrew, but this might only be useful once a year in select locations.
But enough about hats. Let me holla’ at you about me for a minute.
I am currently looking for an opportunity that will take full advantage of my epic awesomeness. I first capitalized on my un-fucking-believable prodigiousness in college where I was the starting Quarterback for the University of Phoenix Online. From there, I received national recognition by saving a truckload of injured puppies from falling off a bridge… with one hand, while I juggled a litter of kittens in the other. This led to my first job out of college in taxidermy…
Anyway…soon after that I hit the job-market like Medusa with her tits on fire. In past positions, I have served as the CEO of major corporations including (but not limited to) Caldors, Pan-Am, Oldsmobile, Ray Charles’ Painting Studio/Driving School, and “Lots-To-Love” (clothing store for plus sized women). I have also played key roles in product synthesis; having produced such memorable phenomenon as “Crystal Clear Pepsi” and Mariah Carey’s film, “Glitter.”
Along with my understanding of all the aforementioned shit that you are now privy to, I have a history of professional experience in writing, graphic design (Including Adobe Suite & all collaborative software), and looking especially fucking dapper in an array of hats. (Picture enclosed) I have also done things with Microsoft Excel, which I’m ashamed to tell my mother about.
So, here we are at the end of this cover letter. Attached you will find my resume. If I had the time, I would’ve had it translated into all 47 United Nations recognized world languages. But seeing as how I only know that one phrase in Hebrew, English will have to suffice. In summation, I am committed to professional growth and learning. I believe that my flagrant sex-appeal, unbridled enthusiasm, and complete and utter lack of experience will make me a sensible fit in your nonsensical fantasy world. If you were looking for someone more specific, perhaps you should check the tailoring station at the UN and not the marketing job board on Craigslist. Otherwise, I’m the maddest hatter out there, baby. Please review my enclosed resume and thank you for your consideration.
If you’ve enjoyed reading this letter half as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it, I’ve still enjoyed it twice as much as you.
Shanah Tovah Dickhead,
Jonathan Beech
———
These are insane times. I have decided to point and laugh.
- LKH
