CHAPTER 1, SCENE 8
The Office
Jeremy shuffles into an unbearably bland office and sits down at his cubicle.
There is a computer, telephone, and a gargantuan portrait on the wall of an old austere looking gentleman. At the bottom of the portrait, it says, “Mr. Toolington.” The portrait looms over Jeremy.
Jeremy turns on his computer and slouches in his chair. The phone rings. He doesn’t answer. Jeremy’s E-mail box pops up. He has 327 E-mails. He clicks the button that says, “Delete All.” The phone stops ringing.
A lady, about 15 years Jeremy’s elder enters his cubicle from behind.
Kathy
Jeremy, I need to speak with you and you aren’t picking up the phone. Jeremy, why aren’t you picking up the phone? I tried calling you. Did you hear it?
Jeremy
(Into his computer screen) I did, but…you’re in the cubicle right next to me. (Turns to face her. Knocks on cubicle wall). You can’t just stand up and tell me? I mean..here you are, right?
Kathy
Yes, but… you can’t be so busy that you don’t have time to pick up the phone. You have to pick up the phone Jeremy. You really have to.
Jeremy
OK, I’m…sorry. How can I help you?
Kathy walks back to her cubicle. Jeremy sits despondently when suddenly the phone rings again. He takes a deep breath, and leans forward and answers the phone.
Jeremy
CompanyCo. Jeremy Darling speaking.
Kathy
Good morning Jeremy, This is Kathy.
Jeremy
(Morosely) You don’t say.
Kathy
I don’t want to alarm you, but Mr. Toolington stopped by at 8:55 this morning and you weren’t here yet. He appeared very displeased and wished for me to send you to his office immediately.
Jeremy
OK Kathy. Thank…
Kathy
Well, Eleanor Sachs from Human Resources heard a rumor that Mr. Toolington’s become particularly concerned with the performance of several individuals around here.
Jeremy
Oh?
Kathy
These matters shouldn’t be taken lightly, Jeremy. Mr. Toolington’s an important man. He went to Cornell you know.
Jeremy
Thank you, Kathy. I’ll go see what he wants. (Hangs up phone)
CHAPTER 1, SCENE 9
Toolington’s Office
Jeremy enters. Toolington is sitting at a large oak desk. The room is dimly lit.
Jeremy
Good Morning Mr. Toolington
Toolington
Is it now? (Garbles out a sinister laugh) I’m glad you’re in such a jovial mood this morning, Mr. Darlund.
Jeremy
Darling, sir. Jeremy Darling.
Toolington
Yes, all the same. Please sit down.
Jeremy sits and places his hands in his lap. Toolington stares at Jeremy intently for about 10 seconds.
Jeremy
(Jeremy slightly shrugs) So…
Toolington
I’ve been called the “American Dream.”
Stares at Jeremy again for an extended period of time
Jeremy
(Apprehensively) Is…that a question?
Toolington
At heart I’m a simple man. One who enjoys the simple things in life: Fine wine, walking my dobermans, asset acquisitions. In fact, many people don’t know this, but I rather enjoy musical theatre. But inside the walls of my simple heart pumps the blood of four generations of authentic American visionaries. You see, Jeremy. I took my inherent thirst for success and from my loins I birthed a vision. I took this vision and nurtured it like a coddling child. And when that child — my vision — was ready, I turned it into a bloodthirsty American free-market killing machine. CompanyCo. Is my killing machine…Jeremy.
Jeremy
That couldn’t have been easy on the cervix.
Toolington stares, unfazed.
Jeremy Cont.
Killing machine. Company Co. Got it.
Toolington
Every brick. Every desk. Every tile. I built it myself…with the financial backing of four generations of Toolingtons. But it took more than great men, bricks, vision, and an education. (Brief Pause) Cornell: Class of 62’. (Shows Jeremy his class ring) It took hard work. It took steadfast determination. (Pauses) It took chutzpah!
Jeremy slumps in his chair silently.
Toolington Cont.
That’s a Yiddish word. I believe its translation is something to the affect of “Jew balls.”
Jeremy
OK.
Toolington
Being a part of the CompanyCo. family requires that you have…balls. Big. American. Balls. Do you have balls Jeremy?
Jeremy
Yes?
Toolington
I’m concerned because it seems you’ve lost the CompanyCo. vision. You’re lacking the professional passion that we need from each and every employee. We need outside the box thinkers with Jew-balls. Jew-balls and productivity. So, before you go back to work, do you have any questions regarding my expectations?
Jeremy
(Takes a deep breath) Mr. Toolington. I’m sort of confused about what you want me to do. I…show up on time. I leave when I’m supposed to leave. And things get accomplished…(Leans into table) My position…as North Eastern Internal Communications Analyst 2…doesn’t dictate that I have any specific function. I get E-mails that aren’t addressed to me and then I delete them. I use Microsoft Excel spreadsheets to keep track of how many times a day I delete a batch of E-mails. This happens on average…five times a day. At the end of which, I take this spreadsheet and I delete it without reporting it to anyone. Sometimes I help Beatrice Elliot in accounting read her screen because she has cataracts. There’s nothing else. I serve no purpose so I don’t understand…per se…how you would like for me to increase my productivity….
Shot of a quizzical looking Mr. Toolington. Shot back to Jeremy.
Jeremy Cont.
Because…(leans back and nervously laughs with hands in the air) I have nothing to produce!
Toolington is lost deep in thought.
Toolington
So you need a challenge? (Pauses and rubs his face) Tell me. Are these spreadsheets color coordinated by any chance?
Jeremy
No…
Toolington
Well, maybe they should be.
Jeremy
You want me to take the spreadsheets that I throw out — that nobody looks at — and make them…pretty?
Toolington
I’m not saying we should reinvent the wheel Darlund, but it would be a nice start, don’t you think?
Jeremy sits a broken, shell of a man.
