• Danielle: So last night I was discussing the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my roommate... and I said "Return of the King" was probably the most epic movie I've ever seen
  • Jonathan: I guess. "The Return of the King" was pretty good.
  • Danielle: Just good? The battle scenes were fucking epic and then the ending(s).
  • Jonathan: But it wasn't as good as "The Two Towers"
  • Danielle: I dunno
  • Jonathan: You're a maniac! When those insane horses come lumbering down that hill and fucking ass plow the goblins...that is epic incarnate!
  • Danielle: The first Lord of the Rings is good only like halfway through all the bullshit.
  • Jonathan: Yeah, once they get out of the shire and into the shit
  • Danielle: That's what I was saying before!
  • Jonathan: I'd slit my own throat if i had to live in the shire
  • Danielle: Agreed. Fuck the shire.
  • Jonathan: Creepy little miscreants in my backyard fucking pumpkins and radishes
  • Danielle: The shire is comparable to parts of Northern England, I'd say
  • Jonathan: How true. How true...but with squash fucking midgets
  • Danielle: I don't remember that scene, but i imagine that it sucked. I do, however, like when Frodo gets the ring.
  • Jonathan: Oh God! That's the worst part of the whole damn trilogy!
  • Danielle: But there's PANIC!
  • Jonathan: there's fucking nonsense! "Oh no! I'm a man with jewelery! Should I throw it in the fire? Should i put it in this envelope?
  • Danielle: Oh right... the envelope.
  • Jonathan: Should I NOT put it in this envelope?
  • Danielle: You know, not for nothing, but where does a hobbit even acquire an envelope?
  • Jonathan: That's a good question, but I think the point is "who gives a shit abut the envelope?" Merlin threw the fucking envelope in the fire anyway, y'know?
  • Danielle: Fucking Merlin...
  • Jonathan: That was a full 20 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Watching a debate over an envelope... One that Greenbeard comes along and sets on fire anyway
  • Danielle: I feel like they could've done without that
  • Jonathan: You know what else is particularly questionable? Dwarves... Where were the friggen dwarf women?
  • Danielle: There were none.
  • Jonathan: Exactly. And you can't tell me that Gimli pulls any human ass. So either he masturbates a whole lot...
  • Danielle: I'm more perplexed by Frodo and Sam's relationship. Can't say I ever trusted it
  • Jonathan: Oh I trusted it. I trusted that they were doing a worse job of staying in the closet than RuPaul.
  • Danielle: It was fairly homosexual in nature, was it not?
  • Jonathan: Indeed. I've never said to another man... "I'm your Jon." Nor will I ever.
  • Danielle: He said, "I'm your Sam?"
  • Jonathan: Often.
  • Danielle: That's more than enough evidence for me.
  • Jonathan: So climb Brokeback Mt. Doom all you want, Sam. I'm a modern guy in modern times. I'm cool with it... but you sure as shit aren't fooling anybody
  • Danielle: ...
  • Jonathan: I'm going to go make a sandwich.
  • Danielle: Yea, i don't want to ever talk about these movies ever again.