I was recently in a supermarket when I came to some very important realizations.

One…

Supermarket Sweep might have been an excellent show, but I know a way to make it better…

Two…

Everyone goes shopping for a few items throughout the week as a means to supplement what’s already in the house.   Maybe you need milk or sugar or bananas.  Sometimes you might need condoms.

There I was in the personal hygiene aisle, staring at the selection of condoms.  It occurred to me right there and then that I would have to either purchase them as a single item or with many items.

Because, you see… you can’t buy condoms and only one other item.

Think about it.  You go to the register with a stick of butter and a pack of Trojans.  The cashier will be wearing an expression dripping in wonder and disgust.  I assure you, she will be thinking, “This person’s a fucking lunatic!”

And she has every right to think that.  There’s literally not one item you could buy with a pack of condoms that won’t make you look like a complete weirdo.  You’re no longer an innocent member of society picking up some household items.  You’re suddenly relegated to that “deviant psycho” part of society where everyone is naked, covered in cake mix, and up to no good.  Here are a few combinations for you to think about:

Condoms and a radish

Condoms and Captain Crunch

(with or without Crunch Berries - I recommend without, but to each his/her own)

Condoms and Fancy Feast gourmet cat food

Condoms and Snuggle fabric softener

Condoms and a plunger

Condoms and mustard

Condoms and scotch tape

Freak, freak, freak, freak freak, freak, freak!

…

You’re a maniac by default.  And the world thinks you’re going home to make sexytime with a bowl of cereal.  Well done.

So a word to the wise.  Purchase your contraceptives when doing a larger shop or purchase them as a totally separate item.  You’ll thank me that you did.