The Last King of Hollywood

The amazing new video for the single “Stylo,” off...

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:11:00 -0500

The amazing new video for the single “Stylo,” off Gorillaz’s new album, “Plastic Beach.” Honestly, if you haven’t given a look at the brilliant artistic work of recording artist Damon Albarn (Blur) and graphic artist, Jamie Hewlett, you’re under a rock. Their last two albums were fantastic and this new release promises to be just as good. Guest appearances by De La Soul and Mos Def fill out this Pop, Punk, Techno, Disco compilation. It’s bound to have you obsessed for weeks. Check out ALL of their visually stunning videos on their youtube page here: http://www.youtube.com/user/gorillaz?blend=1&ob=4 (I recommend “Feel Good Inc.” and “El Manana”)

And of course, download their music from iTunes.

“Mess,” by Ben Folds Five. Listen to that on...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 01:24:33 -0500

“Mess,” by Ben Folds Five. Listen to that on repeat, if you will…

My friend Josh got a phone call yesterday from Tommy Wisseau....

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:01:00 -0500

My friend Josh got a phone call yesterday from Tommy Wisseau. His sister met Tommy at an indiana screening of Tommy’s film, “The Room.” ”Who the fuck is Tommy Wisseau” you ask? He’s an actor/director/writer/Korean Faux Pleather-Coat salesman who made the worst movie of all time. How bad? So bad, the movie, “The Room,” has actually developed a cult following across the United States and beyond. The film is so laugh-out-loud awful, that people show up in droves to see the film in theaters 3 years after its original release. A screening of the room is on par with a screening of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

Here’s a clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b64ZK7KDfTQ

Go see this movie! It’s like 5 dollars on Amazon. You’ll thank me. Oh. And also, listen to the voice mail.

“Waiting Line,” by Zero 7. You’ll like this...

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:35:58 -0500

“Waiting Line,” by Zero 7. You’ll like this song. So, says I.

"Hey. I had a really peculiar time tonight. It was fun, I think…"

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 11:45:07 -0500

“Hey. I had a really peculiar time tonight. It was fun, I think…”

- text from “Anonymous” after her date with a Republican

Bed. Bath. And Far Beyond

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:05:00 -0500

Jon: Should I get the "Sage and Citrus" candle then?
Lori: Yes, it's the best. I love it. And typically, I don't like scents.
Jon: Who says that?
Lori: What?
Jon: That they don't like scents. It's like... "Oh. I don't like tastes."
Lori: I just don't!
Jon: Fine... I'll get the "Sage and Citrus" then. Should I get it in the jar or the tumbler?
Lori: Oh. Definitely don't get the jar. It's really hard to put your fist in it.
Jon: ... Do I even want to know?

Friendship

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:35:00 -0500

Jon: It's a shame you guys don't hang out more
Mike: Well, Jon. I'll be honest. A large part of the reason that he and I have never been close is because he doesn't like me.
Jon: Touche.

“Every Waking Moment,” by Citizen Cope. Great song...

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 01:52:54 -0500

“Every Waking Moment,” by Citizen Cope. Great song from off the album of the same name. If you guys haven’t listened to Citizen Cope yet, you’re really missing out. Check him out on iTunes.

Let Down

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 23:13:00 -0500

Danielle: So, I hear you won a raffle at an art exhibit. What did you win?
Jonathan: A woman's T-shirt that says "Madrid."

Fuck Valentines Day. Some Legends of Rock “come...

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 11:48:30 -0500

Fuck Valentines Day. Some Legends of Rock “come together” for one night only to convey my feelings.

Clean Up: Aisle Me

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:45:44 -0500

First of all, how is it that I can continually make relevant use of the picture above? I mean… really?

That said, I thought this would be a good place to outline my activities of last Saturday night. The debauchery was as fast as it was furious, resultant in me on a swing, with a bartender, on a bar, having free shots of Patron poured down my throat. Ten minutes later I realized I had had enough and was no longer firing on all cylinders. I hailed a cab and went home.

Listen, I’m skipping a lot of things, but to be fair, this is all really besides the point and the beginning of the story. (Or at least the part that I can remember).

After I got out of the cab and into my house, it occurred to me that I was not even close to being ready for bed. The fridge was empty. So in my infinite wisdom, I put my shoes back on and barreled out the door and back into the great wide open. I know what you’re thinking. What was it? Pizza? Hallal? That gross Chinese place on the corner?

No. None of the above. I made the responsible decision to go food shopping. And shop, I did.

Ye Ol’ Trade Fair is open 24 hours and I felt this would be an appropriate time (what with my busy schedule) to do a food shop. You know. Just the basics…

I’m going to skip ahead to the next morning, thereby denying you of what was most likely a drunken rumble of brilliant proportions through Trade Fair supermarket at 3AM. The next morning, I found that I had apparently played Phoenix’s “Run, Run, Run” 6 times during the experience. So if you need an accompanying theme for what transpired, just toss that on repeat.

Here is exactly what I purchased:

1. 6 cans of Progresso Lentil Soup

2. 8 individual dinner rolls

3. 1 can of Progresso Pea Soup (You know… for variety)

4. An individual package of Craisins.

5. Yogi Tea - Blues Away brand

6. An avocado

——————-

I don’t often like to pat myself on the back, but well done…me. Clearly, with all of the snow, I’ve been able to prepare feasts made for a king all week long.

Feats of Uncanny Mediocrity

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:45:06 -0500

Danielle: I went to the dentist when I was home. Turns out that I have no cavities. I rule.
Jonathan: I went to the opomitrist. Turns out i have x-ray vision.
Danielle: Oh yeah? Prove it.
Jonathan: I discovered during her exam that the doctor has unusually large nipples
Danielle: I hate you.

Parental Wisdom: Yoga and Exercise

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:51:00 -0500

Mom: Where have you been? We've been calling you.
Jon: I've been taking yoga classes after work.
Mom: Yoga? Like stretching things?
Jon: Yeah. But it's "Bikram Yoga" so it's actually a lot more intense...
Mom: WHAT!? That sounds incredibly dangerous! What the hell is wrong with you!?
Jon: Oh. Give me a break. You're ridiculous...
Mom: So what? You have to fight people? Is there fighting? You've joined a gang? I swear, even as a kid you were always trying and doing crazy things -- playing stupid sports and acting like a daredevil. You're going to give me a heart attack. Is that what you want?
Jon: What the hell are you talking about?
Mom: I don't like the sound of "Victim Yoga!"
Me: It's Bikram Yoga, you retard. Not "Victim." Sometimes I wonder why I try explaining anything to you...

“Shiny,” by The Decemberists. Awesome song. ...

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:30:08 -0500

“Shiny,” by The Decemberists. Awesome song. I’m slowly getting into this band so it would make sense for you to do the same. Check them out on iTunes.

Old Acquaintances. New Revelations.

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 11:12:51 -0500

Malerie: Oh my God. See that old fat woman we just passed?
Jon: Yeah. What about her?
Malerie: She's seen my box like a million times.
Jon: What? Why?
Malerie: She used to rip hair out of it.
Jon: For Christ's sake, why do you have to put it like that? Now I lost my appetite.
Melerie: Well, it's true! What do you want me to say?

“Just,” by Radiohead. Hands down, one of the...

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:13:00 -0500

“Just,” by Radiohead. Hands down, one of the greatest music videos ever made. Watch it until the end.

Suicidal Cat

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 12:35:57 -0500

Suicidal Cat

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 12:51:07 -0500

“As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.”

- Henry David Thoreau

Squirrels Versus...

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 01:01:00 -0500

Let me holla at you for a minute. In a recent conversation I had over dinner, it came to light that New York City is full of douche bags.

I know. Quite the revelation, right?

But in all seriousness, this city is rank with grandiose spectacles of bombastic douchebaggery, an affront to the inherent awesomeness that is you and I. From the Wall Street ex-frat boys who cram into Turtle Bay every Saturday to the midtown suits who measure joy in 401Ks and meaningless job titles, there’s hardly a crevice in this good city that isn’t teeming with the infection of doucheitude- The D1B1 virus - The Douche Flu - or whatever you will.

And it’s not just limited to folks with jobs. Employment does not intrinsically make you a douche. Let me get that straight and don’t you get it twisted. The heart of the Douche community goes well beyond the elegant confines of a sharp tailored two-piece. It goes so far beyond…

Somehow in the process of fighting “the man,” the endearingly hip countercultures of New York City mutated into punch lines and caricatures that are, in so many ways, unbearably worse than the “social norms” they were originally rebelling against. The artistic and endearingly hip generations of the past weep for today. Our “cool” is so desperately “uncool,” it makes Bob Dylan roll in his grave. And no. He isn’t even dead yet. It’s a pre-emptive grave roll. Basically anything quote unfucking quote “hip” that has come out of Williamsburg in the last decade is making him spin right round, baby. Like a record player. Round… Right round…… round.

And before you derelict heroes of the Bushwick dance scene get excited, the fact that our city’s counterculture needs a counterculture is not ironic. It’s a farce.

But in truth, there’s really nothing anyone can do about this. Professionalism dictates that I’m…uh… professional around these self-important idiots in their insipid corner offices. On the same note, all generally accepted rules of social decorum instruct that I be cordial to the self-indulgent dickbag at the Met wearing a pink Furby shirt, Viking hat, and pants he undoubtedly purchased at Baby Gap. I bet he thinks he’s ironic. He’s not. He’s just a fucking douche bag.

So what can we do? We can laugh at them, that’s what.

We can envision a perfect world where the douche bags get what’s coming to them. And I don’t mean this in a malevolent way where anyone would be legitimately harmed. Anyone who knows me knows I could never advocate such a thing. But, I am an advocate for embarrassing the shit out of people who suck and helping them realize their existence is of no use or benefit to the world at large. Shaming a douche is what my Jewish brethren would call a “mitzvah.” Sadly, one man or woman could not achieve such a feat. Nor could it be achieved by any number of people. So you and I are out. So are our friends and our family members. There’s only on force on God’s green Earth that could unleash such a noble trouncing — one force that could hand out such blind judgment, as instinctive as it is effective.

Squirrels.

You’ve seen them around New York City. You’ve experienced them gallantly leaping in and out of garbage cans, scaling trees with wondrous agility, and getting aggressively up in your God damn face like you’re a deadbeat baby-daddy who’s late with alimony. Yes. Squirrels. Squirrels indeed. They have no fear. They have no prejudice. They are unwaveringly fair. These vermin lords of the concrete jungle — they will take your food. They will steal your girl. They will bring down the douche bags of this once-good city. They will make us laugh and they will steal your hearts.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with great pride the newest addition to LastKingofHollywood.com -

“SQUIRRELS Vs…”

Next Wednesday, the squirrels fight back. Stay tuned…

“Slipping Through the Censors,” by the Fruit Bats. I...

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:40:00 -0500

“Slipping Through the Censors,” by the Fruit Bats. I like them. You should too. They’re pretty great. Check them out on iTunes.